Not Speaking To Each Other???

By: George R Warsaw, Ph.D.

You can learn how to resolve conflict. Here are some ideas:

Always make sure there are no children within hearing distance, and sit down at the kitchen table with pens and paper for note-taking.

The key to this process is to develop the habit of understanding the other person’s point of view before arguing yours. Even if you think, “I already know what she, for example, will say,” please listen to the other person first. She needs to be heard. Then tell her what you understand. Even if she replies with, “That’s not quite what I mean,” ask her for clarification so you will understand.

Be patient and make necessary adjustments to telling her what you understand until she nods or says, “Yes. You’ve got it.”

Then it’s your turn to be understood. After she’s gotten a grasp on your point of view, you can begin to talk about the issue. Keep blame out of the discussion; talk about the issue only. No yelling. No name-calling. If tempers escalate, suggest a time-out: “Let’s take a break for 15 minutes to cool down and collect our thoughts.” When you return, speak calmly and respectfully to each other. Always treat the other person the way you’d like to be treated.

“Together you can achieve what one, alone, cannot.” (K. Gibran)

11 Tips for Managing Conflict with Your Spouse or Significant Other (SO)

Two people rarely see eye to eye all of the time – even if they have promised to love, honor and cherish. Building a strong relationship requires work, dedication and the ability to manage conflicts. If you find yourself at odds with your spouse or SO, try these tips: 

•  Look directly at your spouse to let her know you are listening.

• Avoid rehashing past hurts – stay focused on the present issue.

• Eliminate distractions. Turn off the TV, silencing your phone, etc.

• Discuss hurtful behavior based on how you feel rather than as a reflection of your spouse’s character.  Use “The Golden Rule”: Treat the other person as you wish to be treated.

• Allow your spouse to explain her/his position or feelings without interrupting.

• Share happy memories to help the two of you reconnect. 

• Take time to do things you enjoy together.

• Don’t involve your kids in your conflicts.

• Stop thinking of “you” or “me” and consider what is best for the two of you as a couple. 

• Let your spouse win sometimes -- is getting your way really more important than keeping your relationship?

• Seek the help of a professional counselor if you find yourself having more conflicts or are having trouble resolving them on your own.

6 Surprising Benefits of Music

Want to do just about anything better? Listen to music.

Ok, music might not help everything, but we all know that music makes life more enjoyable. Science is continually uncovering benefits of music that you may not know.

• Improves concentration and memory. Try uplifting concertos. Slower, more serious music doesn’t have the same effect.

• Boosts performance. To be at the top of your game, try listening to your favorite music while training or before a competition

• Eases chronic pain. In one study of patients with longstanding chronic pain, those who listened to music reported a 21 percent decrease in pain levels and 25 percent reduction in depression related to pain. 

• Reduces blood pressure. Try listening to at least 30 minutes of relaxing music each day.

• Cuts calorie intake. In one study, people who listened to music during dinner ate less.

• Improves immunity. Several studies have suggested that listening to music can boost your immune system, your body’s defense against infectious diseases and cancer.

5 Brain Boosters

Whether your goal is acing your college midterms or reducing the cognitive decline that comes with aging, here are five surprising strategies to help you be your sharpest. 

• Chew gum (but make it sugar free). Chewing is believed to reduce stress and increase signals in an area of the brain that is crucial to learning. 

• Go dancing. One study showed that older people who dance three or four times a week reduce their risk of dementia by 76 percent.

• Make friends. A study of people ages 24 to 96 found that those who spent the most time socializing performed the best on tests of cognition and memory. 

• Go for coffee. A single cup in the morning can improve concentration throughout the day. Meet a friend for coffee and you’ll reap the benefits of socializing too.

• Eat fish. Research has shown that eating two servings of fatty fish each week can improve blood flow to the brain.

Beat the Winter Blues – Naturally

For some of us, the first cool days of fall are exhilarating, but for others, that drop in temperatures signals the start of short, gloomy days and a melancholy mood that can last till spring.

If winter blues are persistent, an experienced psychotherapist can help. For occasional blues, try these natural remedies to lift your mood.

• Take a brisk walk, swing your arms and grin. Research shows it will get the endorphins going.

• Get enough vitamin D. Your body makes vitamin D in response to sunlight. If you spend all of your time indoors, you may need a supplement.

• Eat more fish. A fatty acid in oily fish such as salmon and tuna may be effective against depression. Or, try fish oil capsules.

• Listen to music. Pick something upbeat – no sad ballads or love songs.

Four Ways to Live Longer

You know the 5 secrets to good health and longer life: Eat your vegetables, maintain a healthy weight, exercise daily, have regular medical checkups, drink in moderation and don’t smoke. But, it turns out that good mental and emotional health can also add years to your life – making it more enjoyable along the way.

So, as you head out for your morning jog, whip up a kale smoothie or throw out that last pack of cigarettes, here are some more longevity tips you need to know:

• Make connections. People with spouses, close friends or other strong social connections live longer.

• Get educated. Research shows that people who have college degrees, or even high school diplomas, tend to live years longer than those who don’t.

• Read books. Research shows that reading 30 minutes a day may add up to two years to your life.

• Meditate. Stress can lead to disease. Meditation can help relieve stress.

Coping With Adversity

EXPERIENCING LOSS

As I was working in my garden this summer, I saw a sight so intriguing that I had to take this picture.  A cucumber had become twisted, growing around the fence that surrounded my garden.

The other cucumbers in the garden were all what you’d expect the “Straight Eight” variety to be, straight and about eight inches long.  Each seed had the same DNA but not the same obstacle to challenge its growth. 

Seeing this cucumber brought to mind the obstacles we face each day and how we respond to them.  Confronted with an unfaithful spouse, a job loss, a financial setback or the diagnosis of a chronic disease, our reaction may be hopelessness or helplessness.  We may feel flawed and lost and experience shame or guilt.

THE WINNING WAY

Getting beyond the initial shock takes courage to learn that how we cope with adversity is a matter of choice.  The devastating situation can be seen as an opportunity.  Encountering barriers they cannot break through, some people adopt The Winning Way. It’s a mindset that requires creativity and a positive outlook.

Despite facing hardships that some would find daunting, they continue to grow and thrive.  While their lives do not follow the same straight line they would have chosen, they learn to see each twist they have navigated as a sign of courage or ingenuity or simply the refusal to give up.

Our lives are rarely free of adversity.  While it is relatively easy to stay on track when nothing gets in your way, the real judge of character – and ultimately quality of life – is how you view and deal with obstacles.  Will you allow your life to become a twisted mess due to events you cannot change?  Or will you take control of yourself and forge onward even when you can’t control what life throws your way?

The choice is ours.

How to be a Successful Lottery Winner

While no one can give you a series of guaranteed winning digits or the secret to picking numbers that will put the jackpot in your pocket, I can give you the next best thing – the secrets to being a SUCCESSFUL lottery winner. What I have learned from working with lottery winners will be helpful for anyone who comes into a sizable sum of money from any source – be it a lottery ticket, an inheritance, a job bonus or a successful trip to Vegas.

Are you newly rich and wanting to stay that way? Hold onto your wallet and heed this advice:

• Keep quiet. Advertising your windfall can open you to scams, violent crimes and endless requests for money.

• Stand firm with the kids. Kids need to know that working is important for everyone. Don’t give them a free ride just because you can afford to.

• Practice your response. You don’t owe anyone an explanation for why you are suddenly showing signs of having money.  However, if you feel the need to explain, a simple “I made an investment that paid off” will suffice.

• Keep your day job – or at least some job. A job is more than a way to earn a living: It can give our lives meaning. If you don’t like your current job, look for a different job, one that may pay less. You can even work part time or devote a day or two each week to volunteer. Just work.

• Learn to be a good money manager. When you come into a large sum of money, it is easy to believe it will last forever. Chances are, though, it won’t. Develop good money management habits early in life by setting and adhering to realistic budgets, and you’ll be ready to be a successful lottery winner.

The Mega Millions drawing is at 11 p.m. Good luck!